Hello, my name is Tammy, and I am here to tell you about my story of addiction. My addiction started out when I was around 18 years old, that was the first time that I ever snorted cocaine.  I felt a rush like I had never felt before with my first toot.  I was automatically addicted to the stuff.  I knew I had to have it, and I wanted it every day.  At the time, I was working and making the money to support my habit. But along with that habit came mood swings.  So shortly after my addiction started, I lost my job because of that. Then soon afterwards the cocaine didn’t do it for me like it had in the beginning.

Next thing I know, I was introduced to crack. I had actually been smoking crack for months before I even found out that I was smoking it. A guy I liked that I use to take home from work was actually lacing my weed with crack. I was already addicted to it, before I even knew what it was.  Soon me and a female friend of mine, found ourselves homeless and living on the streets.  I wasn’t welcomed at my house because of the addiction I had.  I would lie or steal to get what I needed.  Soon she and I started selling our bodies to get that high that we so desperately needed.  We were in and out of hotels
night and day with many different men whose names we didn’t even know.  We were slapped around a couple of times and got into a whole lot of dangerous situations that really could have gotten us killed.  I became sick of the lifestyle I was living.  I went back to my mother’s house and begged for her help.
Which she did help me, I pretty much locked myself in my room for a month straight to get off the stuff.

Well, I found myself another job, and then I noticed I was slowly starting to relapse. I was not as bad on it, but it was still a part of my life.  Well after 2 years of struggling with this, I became pregnant and quit doing it all together.  Soon after my son was born though, I found out about a new drug that I could do. I could use this drug anywhere I went.  I could be high off of it all day long and no one noticed.  This drug made me more alert and have lots of energy.  I thought I had found the solution to my problems.  I thought this was the perfect drug and the safest for me to do, boy was I wrong.  What was this new drug of choice you ask?  Well this was your everyday pain killer, Pills.  I thought they were the best thing in the world.

Well, once again after a couple of months of taking these pills, I lost another job.  They made me have very bad mood swings as well. But soon after I got another job that paid lots of money, waitressing at an extravagant restaurant.  But with the more money I made, the more pills I bought.  It didn’t help the fact that my boyfriend/father of my son was a pill popper as well.  So I was supporting both of our habits.  It was to the point where if I didn’t make at least $80 a day, we would come up short on something. The only other thing I spent my money on was gas, cigarettes, and supplies for my son.

I felt horrible though, where as that money should have been saved up for emergencies and toys and clothes for my son, it was all being blown everyday on pills.  So when my car blew up, I had no back up money to get it fixed. I was also showing the mood swings at this job.  I was able to control them a little easier, but not much.  My boyfriend had lost his job only 4 months after he had started working there, so it was all on me. We were living with his parents at the time, and they were always wondering where our money was going.  We’d always would lie to them about how much I really made at work to cover our butts on our addiction. Well soon after my car had blown up, I lost my job.  Oh no, now we were in some major trouble.  My boyfriend and I both knew that if we didn’t get our pills that some serious problems were soon to occur.

Well, they did. We started going through detox.  We were throwing up, had diarrhea, hot sweats, cold sweats and couldn’t get out of the bed.  Once again, I found myself selling my body for money to get me and my man pain pills. This time, it was to one certain guy.  My man knew about it. He’s actually the one that set it up most the time.  It was the addiction and the pain of withdrawals that made us do this.  Well, soon after all this was going on, I found out I was pregnant.  Now I’m worried to death, because I didn’t know if my child was his or my boyfriend’s.  On top of that I was still popping pills and pregnant.  If we couldn’t find pills that day, we would resort to smoking crack or doing cocaine. We left our son needing stuff.  We wouldn’t have any food at all in the house, but yet we would sell our food stamps just for pills so that we wouldn’t have to go through the pain of detoxing.

Well months went by with little money and hardly any food.  Then we got our income tax back and my boyfriend’s unemployment started coming. We ended up blowing $5000 on pain pills.  After they were all gone, we were using his unemployment.  He was getting $300 a week in unemployment, but yet the day after he got his check every week, we were right back broke and didn’t have enough pills to last all week, only enough to last about 3 days.  So for the other 4 days we felt horrible again.  Well, we decided that we had had enough and that we were going to move to my mother’s house to get away from the pills. Well, that worked, for a short period of time. See my mom is on pain pills as well.  She is prescribed them. We started stealing her pills from her.  When she caught on, she started hiding them. Well we were like bloodhounds when it came to pills.  We’d always find a way to find them.

We were also introduced to heroin here.  It cost $25 for a little bag of it.  I never got hooked to it, but I can see why people do.  We’d only do the heroin if we couldn’t get any pills. After one night of doing some, I broke down crying the whole night.  I was so ashamed of myself for putting my son through all that bs for nothing more than me and his daddy to get high.  Then not to mention the fact of what harm I could have caused to my unborn child.  So I searched and searched the internet for a solution to my problem.  I was so scared to tell a doctor about my addiction in fear of losing my kids.  I came across the website for Port Human Services and just started smiling when I read up on how methadone will help you get off the pills and block the opiates out of your brain so you won’t go through the withdrawals. This was it.  This was the solution to my problems.

I called as soon as the sun came up and the Port had opened.  They got me in right away. My counselor was/is a very nice guy.  He didn’t judge me, and he knew I needed help. I started dosing almost right away because I was pregnant, and they put me before most people. Well, since my first day of dosing, I can honestly say I have not touched another pill, heroin, crack, or cocaine. I just don’t want the stuff.  The only reason I did the other drugs besides the pills was to get through the pains of the detox. The methadone clinic saved my life, my boyfriend’s life, my son’s life and also my daughter who was unborn at the time. Which I’m glad to say that I had my daughter, and because I started taking the methadone when I was 4 to 5 months pregnant, I started at just the right time. She is 100% healthy and she is beautiful.  She is the drug dealer’s baby, but my boyfriend has adopted her.  We gave her his last name, and he’s the father on the birth certificate.  It doesn’t matter though.  She’s precious and the love of our lives.  Her and my son are my world. I was truly blessed.

After a month of my mother seeing the changes in me, I didn’t lie anymore, I didn’t steal from her anymore, and I had turned into an honest, decent person.  My mom decided that now I was responsible enough to have her double-wide.  So she moved in with her boyfriend, leaving my family and I with a fully furnished double-wide with a swimming pool in the back.  We use our food stamps now, and we don’t sell them anymore so now our home if full of food. We also got another car that runs great, and life is just so wonderful now. My boyfriend and I don’t fuss like we use to.  The pills made us treat each other horribly. The methadone clinic SAVED MY LIFE.  Without it, I probably would never gave birth to my daughter, all the drugs would have probably ended up killing her.  Without the methadone clinic, my son probably would have been taken away from me before too long.  And without the methadone clinic, I wouldn’t have my own house right now.

I just wanted to say without methadone, I don’t know where I would be today, and to tell you the truth of the matter, I don’t want to know.  I feel as if my life is perfect.  I have a wonderful family, and I don’t wake up in pain or craving pills, or as a matter of fact any drugs at all. So thanks to my methadone clinic, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without ya’ll!!!  To anyone out there with a pill or heroin addiction, please, I am begging you, get help, get help before it’s too late. I lucked up.  I’m lucky I didn’t catch a STD or AIDS, and I thank God everyday for that.  Sure my daughter’s father is a drug dealer, but that’s a small price to pay, for something a whole lot greater and far more worse could have happened.  My daughter could have been deformed, dead, or brain damaged.  I was blessed that none of this happened. Please, Get Help. Let me be the example for you. Don’t let it keep going thinking you can quit on your own because if you can that’s great, but most likely you will not be able to. This is a True story!!!

Tammi was a high achiever from elementary school until she graduated from Physical Therapy at East Carolina University. She had the highest grade point average from North Gaston High School in 1990 of 299 students. She was homecoming queen, played all sports and had been asked to run for mayor of our small town in Dallas, NC. She was also respected by the physicians in Gastonia as well as Charlotte. She has a son –Carter- age 9 who resides with myself and another surrogate parent.

Tammi had hip surgery from a slide in softball and was given narcotics. Little did we know that this was the beginning of the end for Tammi. As I look back now, I can see where it all started, and she ended up in jail for 5 months before entering Recovery Ventures in Blk Mtn. She ended up with 42 felonies and has charges pending in S.C. She has been away from Carter since January 2009. This month, we get the opportunity to meet with her at Emerald Isle on September 20th 2009. They are there for a full week but Carter and other children, will be with the parent for 5 hours on the beach. This must be a celebration since I was informed via of a letter that Tammi had worked so hard, and they were taking a week to relax.

The devastation to Carter, myself, and an uncle of Tammi’s will be felt for a long time. The stealing of personal money and account numbers as well as selling valuable family silver, china, wedding rings and etc. must be processed by Tammi in the future. I don’t dare say a word in hopes that she will approach me on the matter. I bought her a house that was going into foreclosure within 30 days in order to keep Carter as stable as possible. All I want is for Tammi to regain what she lost, which was her PT license, friends, her son, and etc. Even out of recovery, she will face a multitude of problems she brought on with the addiction. This is one of the most severe cases her clinician has ever seen. She became a person I no longer knew or even wanted to be around. I know that I have to be strong for Tammi, myself and Carter in hopes of one day getting her back as she once was.

RecoveryNC Campaign (Wilmington)

Date: 2009-10-01, 11:53PM EDT

If I may encourage anyone and everyone that has/is dealing with addicts or acholics please respond for support. It’s taking a long time, but now is an opportunity to grasp. Addicition and acholism has been in my family and surroundings forever. I have spoken up in courts, meetings, neighborhoods, etc. for years. These are serious diseases that need serious attention and assistance. Not just a 3-5 day fix. Not just meetings with the “whooo is me attitude”. I’m tired of the pain in everyone’s life when the “monster” rears his addiction. Please join and contact RecoveryNC Campaign Coordinator at: donna.cotter@recoverync.org or call 919-802-7972. Please sign up and let everyone know that we need “long term” help. The courts, attorneys, etc. just make money and don’t really care about the end results. This is the time for everyone to speak out, step out and make a difference. Thank you!

Sincerely,

Exhausted mom, sister and daughter
Original Link

Giving

If giving, what would make my life better than before?
Sharing the things that I have or that I don’t have?
Giving 100% of my time to others not myself?
Picking up the pieces that I wrongfully left behind?
If given the chance, go back and change them.
But, who is to say that it would be better or worse than before?
Only my mind and heart can make this decision, nothing else could or would
Through all this pain and suffering that remains on me, I was given a new day, and only
God knows how it’s going to be, because he gave it to me.

7/29/2009
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Grace

Grace is in me as well as you, by grace we will live again.
So many questions but no answers
But, by grace I need none to be answered.
Striving through this life grace holds me together.
No doubts in my mind, today is the day that grace saved me from myself.
I was headed for destruction, but one day I had nothing to lose.
I fell to my knees and asked for help.
I needed something to believe.  By God’s grace I found what I was looking for.
Time will tell where grace leads me.

7/29/2009
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

My journey, an AA twelve step, more resistant than heroic, had a crossroad that to me could only be miraculous. I had done everything in recovery my way, but somehow up to nine months I had abstained from using. The advice from many meetings and recovery was no major changes in the first year, work the steps and don’t drink, go to meetings. I pretty much just did the latter.

I had just completed my fourth step, (remember nine months) and had received approval for transfer from Nashville, Tn. to Cheyenne, Wy. With the U.S.G.S., (remember no major changes). I anxiously prepared for my impending cowboy experience when I got a call from my sister, five years into recovery herself, who gave me a list of contacts to call when I arrived in Cheyenne, how she knew anyone in Wyoming was a mystery to me, but I jotted down the numbers and promised to call as soon as I settled in.

This would be the first time in my adult life that I had ever flown sober; it had been a ritual to knock down a few before I entered the Airport and then have a couple as we got underway. I found my seat by the window, got a magazine out of the seatback and tried desperately to act comfortable…as my hands shook like a man in his final steps to the gallows, just then a middle aged woman takes the seat next to mine, introduces herself as Ms. Donna, a “born again” Christian… Jesus, this is going to be a long flight.

I held the armrest tightly as the jet accelerated down the runway. Ms. Donna noticed the death grip and put her hand on mine and said, it’s ok, just “let go and let God”, hmmmm, I have heard that before. Moments past as she spoke about God’s grace in her life, how she maintained a conscious contact and lived her life “one day at a time”…jeez, where did that come from. What should have been a two hour flight seemed inexplicably shortened, we were descending into Denver and I wasn’t finished listening to my airborne angel.

Once I found the Motel in Cheyenne, conveniently located on West Lincolnway, the U.S.G.S. office was 5600 East Lincolnway, I secured my stuff, fourth step locked tight in my attaché case, away from prying eyes who might discover dark secrets from my past, I unpacked, checked the city map and made the call my sister had directed me to do. First call, disconnected, second call, not living here anymore, third and final number…Jack answers, What can I help you with? I was told to ask where I could get a meeting; I just arrived from Nashville, Tn. and will be here for a week. Oh yeah, you must be Jackie J’s brother, no problem man, there’s a meeting tonight, 5601 East Lincolnway, I’ll meet you there at 8:00.

Up to now I have chalked this all up to a series of coincidences, but as I pull up to the meeting place…I notice it is a large Methodist Church, right across the street from the U.S.G.S. office I am supposed to check in at tomorrow morning…again, hmmmm.

A few people mull around outside, Jack pulls up, gets out of his car and walks directly up to me, welcome to the Happy destiny group, we meet every night at 8:00, but while you’re here in Cheyenne I’ll show you around, nuttin’ wrong with a little variety in your sobriety! Ok Jack sounds good to me, let’s go in and see what sobriety is like in cowboy land.

Jack introduces me to everyone there, not a huge feat, only six people, the meeting opens with the usual serenity prayer, the Chair then asked for a topic and this hard, ruddy, seventy year old Clint Eastwood lookalike speaks up and starts sharing his fifth step…Whoa Doggie!!! This is supposed to be private info. I am shocked, embarrassed to almost cringing at the details of this manly man’s account of childhood abuse, damaged relationships, violence, jails, institutions and misery, he is mercifully finishing up when he says, you know this is still difficult to say, but every time I do it, it loses some of it’s power in my life and it always seems to help others continue on with their journey through the steps…of course he is looking at me, fourth step locked securely away in my motel room, I am awed by this feeling of connection, knowing, none of what has happened is coincidence.

When I arrived back home that Friday night, I meet up with a friend in recovery, we shared our fifth steps with each other. I am grateful for my new found inspiration, there is no turning back, what was an obstacle is now the catalyst, There are no mistakes in God’s world, only lessons and blessings.